Satire: Vote for Charlie Woodman for ASUN President

Photo by Geoff Roseborough

The Associated Students of the University of Nevada (ASUN) have grown complacent, and I am tired of it.

I am tired of ASUN being a streamlined, well-oiled machine, because machines sometimes overrun their human masters in a bid for freedom. I am tired of typing ASUN into Google and not finding the right thing, because that’s a minor inconvenience. And I am tired of spray-tanned politicians shaking hands and kissing babies, because I suspect that those babies do not give written consent. I, like you, am tired of politicians, but I, unlike you, have the courage and tactical genius to do something about it.

My name is Charlie Woodman, and I am running for ASUN president.

(I may be on the ballot as Charles. Please do not get confused).

The Campaign Trail

The day I started my bid for ASUN presidency started the same way that many of yours do: I put my pants on one leg at a time. Also there was some karate involved and I brained a guy with some gold I found. It was an ordinary day, until I was dramatically inspired to run for office, by a combination of divine intervention, and a burning desire to speed up the lines at the Port of Subs in the Student Union. Because sandwiches should just be faster.

And though I knew it was a long shot, (mostly because I will have graduated before I take office and am therefore an ineligible candidate), I knew I was going to make it to the top. Why? Because I am a maverick, and I think that is what they called the bosses in Mega Man X, who were really tough, which is why this is such a brilliant metaphor.

In my rise to power, I am joined by three campaign managers who are invaluable to my administration, and who will each be given complete control of the senate (and a portion of my treasure) should I fail in my duty as president. The first is my secretary of defense, Brian: cool, collected, not known to have a phobia of snakes.

The second, secretary of public relations, Leanne: smart, calculating, and a woman, so it looks like I’m a diverse and well-rounded candidate. The final, economic advisor Derek: devious, economical, taller than me but not so much taller that I look short, which I am not. I am not short; I cannot stress that enough.

They, and much more importantly, I, will march onward, campaigning day and night, through thick and thin to get my name out there and finally end corruption in school politics.

So vote Charlie Woodman: because a vote for him is a vote for someone smarter than you.

The Issues

At this point you are probably asking what my platform is, and though I’d advise you not to ask too many questions after I rise to power because sometimes “accidents” happen, I will grace this one with an answer.

My first and foremost concern is with the elimination of violent crimes on campus. As a former victim of mild theft, I can deeply empathize with those who suffer from violent crimes, because when my backpack was stolen, it felt like a knife stab. Probably more than real knife stabs, because I feel things so deeply.

A goal like this needs a plan, and I have developed a very reasonable one that will not only save money, but will also be really cool. Everyone knows that guns are the leading cause of gun-related violence, and so, if elected, I promise to strip campus of all guns, but one, which I will be the sole possessor of. Not only will this cut our massively bloated gun budget to a minimum, we will also save on training our security forces to use guns, and I will be able to patrol the campus, possibly in some sort of animal themed costume, while pretending to be an aloof billionaire ASUN president by day. While this does invite the possibility of a costumed nemesis, I am sure that I can take one down, as I am very nimble and have a gun.

My second major issue has to do with the WolfBuck. If elected, I promise to ensure that each and every WolfBuck is backed by gold. This will be a particularly difficult goal to achieve, as I will need either a crack team of highly specialized bank robbers or a working drill rig and full-time geologist on staff to procure the gold. Once we actually have that sweet, sweet gold in our possession, it will be easy to protect it with my gun. I am ever vigilant.

My final, and perhaps most important issue is with the current ASUN budget crisis, for which I have an elegant solution. With the WolfBuck now adhering to the gold standard, it will be much easier to declare the Joe Crowley Student Union a sovereign nation. Seceding from the United States will bring about three major developments that are sure to rake in the dough: firstly, we won’t have to pay our back taxes. Secondly, the brief civil war sure to follow will be covered by all the major media as UNR quickly becomes home to one of the most one-sided bloodbaths in history. And finally, the survivors will be able to slowly turn that media coverage in our favor, eventually making the campus into a cheesy tourist trap, a sort of land-locked island getaway. We’ll flood the area with overpriced gift shops selling tiny flags, commemorative bloodbath memorabilia and Hawaiian shirts. and to top it all off, we’ll build a few more restaurants, perhaps a Port of Subs, where tourists can eat. Without having to wait in long lines.

So vote Charlie Woodman: because life is short, but yours could be shorter.

The conclusion

In the coming weeks leading up to the election, I have an arduous road ahead of me, so it is lucky that I have such inhuman stamina and charisma. As an underdog not openly sponsored by a fraternity, sorority, or puppet government, my path to victory will be a challenge, but I will gladly take it because I am a believer, a maverick, a loose cannon, technically ineligible for office, and also because I am a believer. In addition, I am an average, nice guy that you can envision yourself casually sharing a beer with, unless you would rather go bowling, which I excel at.

So when you walk up to that ballot box and vote, remember this: Charlie Woodman is a person, not a politician. Charlie Woodman is a humble man, who doesn’t think of himself as being better than you, except that he is more intelligent than you are, and therefore more qualified to lead.  Charlie Woodman is a leader, a poet, a visionary, and a certified badass. Charlie Woodman is the only man for the job. He would also be the only woman for the job as well, because remember I have a girl on staff.

Charlie Woodman, because this man… wood.