Lay of the Land: The 5 Habits of Highly Obnoxious People

    Allow me to preface this article by apologizing in advance to anyone whose sensibilities I’m going to offend. While I, personally, feel that the following things need to be said, it’s altogether likely that they could be said in a more polite and sensible way. Generally speaking, I’m a perfectly polite (if not kind) person, but there are certain issues that really get on my last godforsaken nerve. It is not my intention to offend, belittle, or otherwise harm anyone as a result of this post. It is my intention, however, to rattle a few cages and, with any luck, spur people to think a bit more carefully before they decide to behave obnoxiously. That said, enjoy.   Habit Number 1: “Oh, So-and-So didn’t respond to my first text (or instant) message. Obviously I should just continue messaging them until I get their attention.” Okay. I’m not even going to hold back on this one. Just what the hell is wrong with you? Are you an idiot? Do you treat phone-calls this way, too? Seriously, this is super annoying, and it comes off needy, desperate, and a little bit creepy. Nobody (I hope) wants to open their Facebook page to find a slew of messages from Johnny McCreepenstein that say, “Hey. Hey. Hello. Hey what’s up? What r u up to?” The same thing goes for text messages. I realize that there is a fairly large slice of the population who feel that the wait between text messages from their crush is unbearable, and for whom the text-message is the deal-sealer or deal-breaker--and I don’t have any sympathy for them whatsoever. Stop letting such rudimentary technology have such a hold over your psychological well-being, for pity’s sake. Also, stop being a creep. None of that is a good look. Not to mention, if the person you’re texting is anything like me, then they keep their phone on the vibrate setting most of the day and are probably very, very busy with the minutiae of collegiate life. Don’t waste our batteries. It’s rude.   Habit Number 2: “I’m very needy of my partner’s time. Like, I want them around constantly. I want them to be a supplicant to my needs, always. Also, if they don’t do [insert sexual act here], they’re being unreasonable and I should take it personally because they OBVIOUSLY DON’T CARE ABOUT ME.” Whoa, Crazy. Turn down the crazy. But in all seriousness, this is more of a wide-spread behavior than my over-exaggeration might lead you to believe. Time, and time again I witness cracks forming in once-solid relationships because people become too needy, too comfortable, or too demanding in their relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend quality time with your partner, and it’s only right that you should have needs which you want to be fulfilled—but it is of paramount importance that you remember this: your significant other is a human being first, and your partner second. This should be obvious to people, but it oftentimes isn’t, particularly because the majority of us are going through a period in our lives wherein we’re mostly independent and capable of becoming very, very selfish at the drop of a hat.   Habit Number 3: “I’m in a relationship and pretty public about it, but I have this overwhelming urge to seek out and sexually proposition other people without my partner’s knowledge.” Oh, hi, jerk! You couldn’t possibly have thought that I’d forgotten about you in that other article. I didn’t. I just wanted to have a meaningful discourse and, honestly, you weren’t worth the time or the text it would have taken up in that already very lengthy post. Let me begin by saying this: you’re kind of a horrible person. You know that, right? There’s no excuse to be doing what you’re doing, ever. Your behavior is a malignant cancer to society, and whether you know it or not (I’m sure you do, of course), you’re hurting every person involved in your infidelity in one way or another. Not a cool story, bro(sephina). Really, though, I’m kind of kidding. While it isn’t cool to cheat on your partner (or even try to cheat on your partner), I’m willing to admit that sometimes “accidents” happen. Sometimes people can’t control their carnal impulses, and get caught up in the heat of the moment. Hell, sometimes, people just aren’t into their relationships anymore, or are craving something different. It’s fine to want something different--and natural. Fidelity isn’t what makes a healthy relationship, anyway. It’s the mutual respect and communication between people that does that, and if you’re not willing to take responsibility for yourself and show your partner the respect that they deserve, then, yeah, you’re a jerk.   Habit Number 4: “By no means am I an expert on human sexuality or a mind-reader, but somehow, I know everyone else’s sexual orientation and have the right to tell people what they like and don’t like. Go me!” Okay. First of all: shut the hell up. Second of all: shut the hell up and listen. We’ve all heard the old adage, “You don’t know a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Why, then, does it ever strike people as acceptable to assign sexual preferences to others? Why is it that people feel the need to take one glance at how a person dresses, speaks, or behaves and make a verbal conjecture about their sexual preference and identity? Why is it that, within the LGBTQ community, for example, there are so many people who are willing to come out and say awful things like, “Oh, he’s gay. He just doesn’t know it yet,” or, “There is no such thing as bisexuality. You’re just confused”? How the hell do you, who are not the person that you’re talking about, know anything about the sexual proclivities of another person? Who are you to police the identity of someone else? For that matter, if, by some stretch of the imagination, you do know the sexual preference of someone who isn’t announcing it, just where the hell do you get off outing them? Other people’s sex lives are not your business if they don’t want you to be privy to them. Outing people can be, and often is, harmful and traumatizing. Have a little bit of respect, please. Not only for yourself, but for others as well.   Habit Number 5: “Hi, I’m a big dummy and I use photos of myself for every article due to a lack of alternatives. ALSO, I’m not an expert on sexuality but I sometimes talk about it as if I am. Not to mention, isn’t this supposed to be a sex-column? Why is it that I don’t always explicitly talk sex? Oh, and, for that matter, where are the tales of my personal sexploits?” Yeah, I’m obviously talking about myself here. I’m sorry that this article isn’t exactly on time. I’m also sorry that I don’t always deliver the kind of content that everybody wants. I want to make it clear to all of you that I am, obviously, not perfect. I’m not an expert on human sexuality. I’m certainly not an expert on relationships—I just like to talk about them. The goal of my articles isn’t to exhibit my sexual fantasies and exploits for your review, and it isn’t to give you advice to be taken as fact. Rather, it is my hope that, when you read these articles, you take away something to think about each and every time. If your thinking leads you to believe that I’m wrong, feel free to tell me. I appreciate that you all take the time to read my column, and hope that I’m bringing something worthwhile to the table. Thanks, and see you next time. Ev ♥ For more Evynn-based tomfoolery, follow me on Twitter: 3vynn, at my personal blog, or shoot him an e-mail at Evynn@UNRInsight.com