Lay of the Land: I Know Why the Caged Bird Groans

So, I have these friends. They’re college-aged, and have been together for a long while. They live with one another, share meals, split their finances, and generally rely on one another for emotional, sexual, and financial support. Whenever one is sick, the other takes care of them. If one doesn’t make quite enough money to pay all the bills on time, the other has them covered. They cook for one another, clean up after one another, and appear to be very much in love. They even have a pet, which they take care of mutually, and all seems perfect in their little utopian world. Of course, that’s not true. Everything isn’t perfect. Life rarely allows perfection, after all. You see, beneath the facade of this seemingly flawless relationship, there are issues that exist, but generally remain unspoken. I mean, they’re unspoken to anyone but me, a friend who has always served as a generally impartial observer of this relationship and many others. While the two parties in this relationship rarely vent their deeper frustrations to one another, I’ve always had the luxury of hearing what they really think of one another under the pretense of absolute confidence. Not one to go spilling people’s secrets around, I don’t tell one what the other one thinks at any time, but having lived through the trials and tribulations as an observer of this relationship thus far, I feel like I can make a few reasonable observations, and offer some advice (that I hope they’ll take, someday). I mean, how many times have you seen this scenario?: girlfriend wants to go out, boyfriend would prefer to stay in. Girlfriend doesn’t always like to go out, because she does genuinely enjoy spending time at home with her significant other. Boyfriend pretty much always prefers to stay in. Who knows why? Maybe he’s too busy to go out. Maybe he’s too shy to be among people. Maybe he’s just a homebody. Whatever the case, that isn’t the problem. The problem is that, because the boyfriend doesn’t want to go out, the girlfriend doesn’t. She, after all, doesn’t want to leave her boyfriend alone, or hurt his feelings. So, they stay at home, and girlfriend gets bored and frustrated. Boyfriend, sadly enough, doesn’t see the problem here, and an awkward, resentful night is born. Did you follow all of that? I hope so. When I talk to the girlfriend about all of this, she complains to me that she gets bored, and feels like she’s watching her youth flash rapidly before her eyes as she remains stagnant. She complains that, while she is totally in love with her man, she sometimes finds him boring. Not all the time, of course. They often do things together at home that they both enjoy, and that’s cool. Still, she can’t help but feel that there’s something missing. She feels like she should be out meeting people, having a good time, and making connections. She feels like she should have more friends, more people to talk to, and more meaningful relationships outside of the romantic one that she shares with her boyfriend. Of course, those aren’t the only things on her mind. She also worries that even if she were to go out more, and have more friends, it would put her boyfriend in an awkward position. “What’s he supposed to do while I’m out all night?” she asks, time and time again. Of course, we both know the answer: he’ll worry about her. He’ll be lonely because, unfortunately, she’s his closest friend. One of the few friends he has, too. Should she continue to stay in, and not do the things that she wants to do? Of course not! She should go out. She should go and do the things that make her happy. What about him? If it’s loneliness he’s worried about, then he should be out socializing as well. If he simply doesn’t want to go out, then he should at least accept that his girlfriend does. Neither should hold the other back, and in my opinion, neither does. It’s the lack of communication that’s the problem, here. This couple, in my opinion, isn’t far from ideal. If only they express to one another their desires, do the things that they want to, and compromise where the things they don’t entirely agree on are concerned, everything will be peachy. Bottom line: Don’t expect your partner to shoulder all of your needs. They are only human--just like you. Be there for them where you’re wanted and needed, let them be there for you where you want and need them, and most importantly, respect that, regardless of your union, you are two separate entities with two separate minds and two separate bodies. Don’t fall for that “one love, one flesh” crap. It’s not true, or fair, or even remotely sensible. Oh, by the way: the couple I was talking about doesn’t exist, actually. They are a fabrication. The truth is, the people I’m talking about are made up of the large number of people in relationships that I’ve known throughout the years. It’s strange, really. Though I’ve advised many-a-couple through the rougher patches of their relationships (why they would trust me to do so, I’ll never know), I’ve only really seen a few major problems. Generally speaking, it seems that relationships-gone-wrong comes down only to a handful of things. I can’t catalog them all because, as you’ll find me mentioning time and time again, I’m no expert; but the most common things that I’ve run into are a lack of communication, too little respect, a lack of trust, and too much stagnancy. I find that relationships don’t go sour because one of the partners is a wicked person to be crucified (though I imagine this is sometimes the case) . Instead, they go sour because people become too comfortable, and stop communicating in favor of preserving a certain status-quo. We stop talking things out because we think that we don’t have to. We let the magic fade and get too lazy to work on our relationships. It’s a shame, really. Love, just like anything else, takes practice, maintenance, and understanding. Without those things, it simply cannot exist. Don’t be lazy. Communicate. Be understanding. Don’t ever cheat, or you’ll have earned my eternal ire. When Evynn isn't giving unsolicited advice by way of written word to people who probably know more about relationships than he does, he can be found tweeting, fighting originality down to the last man by needlessly re-posting other people's awesome ideas (and answering questions), and responding to e-mails at EvynnTyler@gmail.com.   Photo courtesy of Brian Sawyer.