Lay of the Land: Empty Those Pockets, Chump.

Okay. So, before we get started, I suppose I should get some housekeeping out of the way. If you don’t care about what I’ve been up to, feel free to skip to the third paragraph. It begins with the word “So”, for those of you who can’t be bothered to count. It’s been a minute. I’ve been pretty busy. Though I realize the foolishness of this move in hindsight, the fact is: starting my column only a few weeks before school started to get serious about being a bastard toward my free time was a horrendously bad idea. Finals were killer for me. I stupidly waited until the last minute to finish some essays (for no reason, it turned out, since I had an A in that class to begin with) and actually guessed my way through my Econ final (I passed, luckily). All of that was dumb, all of it took up the entirety of my spare time, and I didn’t do any writing that wasn’t purely. While I’m ever so sure the lot of you were mourning my absence to a degree that I would consider unhealthy, you needn’t worry. Momma’s back, and sassier than ever before. So, now that I’ve cleverly diverted attention away from my shortcomings as a writer by distracting you with my shortcomings as a human being, allow me to segue back into our regularly scheduled programming. So, the last time I wrote an article, I complained about how I found it difficult to rebuff the advances of unwanted suitors. I prattled on about how people like me—and maybe you—didn’t owe overly persistent people anything more than the courtesy of an honest denial. I also described those ever-persistent suitors in not-so-friendly terms, referring to them primarily as creeps, jerks, and sexual deviants of the highest order. On the whole, I was pretty horrid about the whole thing, as I tend to be when I’m criticizing people who irritate me. Since then, I haven't changed at all. In fact, I’m still being pestered by the same person who inspired me to write that last article. A part of me hopes that they read this so that they indirectly get the point, and then condemn me to social limbo for my evasive behavior. This brings me to my point, though. I’ve been thinking about it, and really, this person (Would you look at that? I’m not using gendered pronouns again! Lord, save me.) isn’t that awful. They’re employed, they spend quite a bit of money on fancy meals for me because I’m pretty sure they have begun to sense that my stomach is more interested in their company than I, and they seem to genuinely care about me. Really, in spite of their gross finger-nails and diminutive stature (No offense! I'm just too tall for all that), they aren't that bad. Stop me if I’m being cliché, but: “It’s not you. It’s me.” Seriously, though, it’s true. It’s also probably a little unfair. Sometimes, there are perfectly wonderful people in our lives that we just can't bring ourselves to acknowledge sexually. Hell, sometimes we fail to acknowledge these people socially—I know I’m guilty of ignoring more than my share of messages from the current person in question. It’s not their fault, but my own. I’m not interested in them, I’m being incredibly evasive, and it’s a childish, inconsiderate, and a little cowardly. Having been on the receiving end of this sort of treatment (though I must, for the sake of my own feeble dignity, assure you that I was considerably less persistent and was the one who chose to end pursuit and seek greener pastures) , I know that I’m not the only one guilty of this sort of thing. Plenty of people do it. At best, we engage these people that are attracted to us—and more often than not, these same people have established themselves as “friends”* to us—in an evasive way. At worst, we consider these sorts of people “pocket boys / girls”—people we can fall back on to date, sleep with, or seek comfort from in the event that all else fails. It’s a kind of mean behavior, but I imagine it’s also the sort of thing that’s bred from past experiences, or something. I don’t know that. What I do know is that, being someone who prides himself on treating others with the respect they deserve, I don’t like what I’m seeing in myself. Do any of you have people like this in your life? Are you treating them similarly? If so, my challenge to you is to do the right thing. Take a step back from your behaviors, your evasiveness, and think with a kinder heart. You don’t have to date these people—in fact, I wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, be direct about what you want, and what you don’t want. Take this time to be completely truthful, to set everything on the table, and apologize for leading somebody astray. If they’re your friend, this might make things a little awkward, but true friendship can stand the torrential wave of sorrow that romantic rejection brings. You might have a bit of a falling out with someone over setting boundaries like this, but at least there’s potential for a reunion in the future. Otherwise, your friend’s love might turn to resentment, and eventually, they’ll break things off themselves, never to talk to you again. In that event, you might find yourself wishing you had done things differently for the rest of your twenty-something life. Sounds sucky, right? When Evynn Tyler isn’t stupidly accepting dates in the interest of getting free food, he’s writing, attending university, and generally goofing around. He can be reached at his e-mail (EvynnTyler@gmail.com), his personal blog Life Model Decoy, and on Twitter, @3vynn. Don’t be shy—say hi!