You don’t just throw baked goods in the oven. You don’t just workout without stretching. There is an importance to preparing for something you’re working towards, whether it’s an apple pie or running a marathon.
Or having multiple orgasms.
Be careful not to overheat or irritate. Photo courtesy of Flickr's Purplemattfish.
Fingering. Hand jobs. Blow jobs. Eating out. Dry humping. These, among other pre-sex activities, play a significant part in the cycle of sex. In order to have successful intercourse the woman should be wet. The man should be hard. It ain’t rocket science.
I’ve heard horror stories of women who weren’t “ready” for sex. Physically, I mean. Ladies, this can cause harm to your vagina. Your lovely vagina. If you’re dry, be ready for some harsh, rough non-pleasure. You’ll be red. You’ll feel sore. You’ll wonder where you went wrong in life, how you ended up in this position. Any by position, I mean missionary and miserable.
The irritation is unspeakable. And men, does this really feel good on your penis? I mean, come on!
There is a certain pre-sex strategy that I especially enjoy. This is called fingering. It’s awesome, if you do it correctly. I once had a boy “finger” me as if he was playing a video game. A fast, horrible video game that would never end. The amount of cruel torture my vagina faced that night will haunt forever. It’s the kind of pain that can leave scars. The next boy who tried to finger me, I literally flinched when he attempted to stick his hands down my pants. My therapist says this is normal.
By the way, in case you’re a virgin and rarely get to third base, fingering is basically a man rubbing a woman’s clit, or inserting his finger(s) inside of her. But ever so gently! There are many nerves in the vagina, and don’t even get me started on the clitoris!
There is also something called “fisting.” Use your imagination on what this is. I won’t elaborate, but I find this idea of pre-intercourse very rude. Respect!
While fingering, the key is to slowly trace the vagina. Slowly! There is no rush to have sex (unless you have 15 minutes to get to class and you’re in his car, in this case a medium speed would be acceptable). Just be passionate, be caring.
After tracing her vagina with your finger tips, begin rubbing the outer lips back and forth. Build a tiny bit of friction, enough to excite her. She should begin to squirm, and heat up with excitement. A few minutes into this, you should take one of your fingers and try sliding it inside of her. If she is not moist, go back to the beginning, as sometimes it takes awhile to successfully get her wet. Fingering is the basic cycle of all these steps.
It's true. Photo courtesy of Flickr's Sea Turtle.
The whole point is to pre-heat the oven. If you finger successfully, your wishes will all come true. The sex will be good, you’ll ace that English paper, and your dog will probably live a few extra years.
So, what are you waiting for? Start practicing your techniques. Finger absolutely everything! If people give you strange looks, you know they are just totally jealous, and when it comes down to it, you’re going to be having much better sex than them. Or maybe even with them. Oh, snap!
Caitlin Thomas is the host of “Sasha Would Go,” streaming live on Wolf Pack Radio.org every Monday night at 9PM. She’s also a fan of The Hound.
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