During the school year, I spend most of my time on campus. I have two jobs here, and I feel like the library is really conducive to studying. If that last part was actually true, we all know I’d be quietly studying on the quiet fifth floor. Instead I pretend to study on the boisterous second floor, where people eat bagels and have no shame in skyping a friend a foot away from them. This is the same floor where I witnessed a girl get up and perform a full dance routine in the entryway and eventually get kicked out for it.
Needless to say, I love to people watch and eavesdrop. It’s a lot more interesting than trying to come up with my third memoir piece for English 401 (people who own Degrassi High on DVD [me] tend to have little to speak about in respect to their lives). Ah, if only I had gotten pregnant in eighth grade and had a mean spike in my hair!
So, I write to tell you about the hilarious, yet slightly frightening lives of the people with whom we share the university. One of them could be you. Now, wouldn’t that be something to write mom about? Unfortunately, my first encounter is probably nothing to write mom about, as she would be downright confused—and horrified.
I was walking from the Frandsen building, where I spend most of my time wasting my parents’ money as an English major, when I came across two young men. One of them was using wild hand gestures and recalling his crazy weekend to the other gentleman. It was the average tale of hard liquor and supposedly hot babes, but then he said something that I will never forget.
“So, then I said to her ‘you want more?’ and I took off my shorts and spuzzed all over her face.”
Not only is this really unsanitary (call me a prude, but I would never take a spuzz to the face), but he used the word spuzzed. Would you even know what that meant if it was out of context? If you’re thinking potatoes being shot from a canon at lightning speed, then we’re on the same track.
However, even though I watch Degrassi High, I gathered what he meant and shook his hand on being such a standup guy. Gross; I’m getting chills just think about touching any part of that spuz’s body. See what I did there? According to old friend Urban Dictionary, spuz can be used as a noun to describe someone who sucks (see what I did there?) Where did he pick up this word, though? I told this story to some of my friends, and we all agreed to start using it as random verbs and see if it catches on. For example:
“My computer just spuzzed all of my birdwatching journals! Shoot!”
“My mom went to the hairdresser, and it looks like they really spuzzed up that dye job.”
“That scarf really spuzzes up that cardigan, Carol!”
“I like the addition of oregano to the pasta. It really spuzzes up the dish!”
“Looks like it’s a good day to spuzz some money in the stock market, Jeanine.”
See, I just made it perfectly acceptable to talk about your mother and spuzzing in the same sentence. I’d like to thank this fine man for opening my eyes to world of spuzz, thankfully a lot less literally than he did for that poor girl who may or may not have “wanted more.” Judging by his word choice and his preference for shorts in the bedroom, I hope that was their final date.